Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Crazy Amazing Story

Ok...so I have decided I am ready to post about my crazy amazing story.  The thing is this story is still growing and changing.  This part is just the beginning of this story.  I want to be able to print this out and seal it in an envelope and look at it when I'm like 80 so I can remember how amazing it is.  I know that God answers prayers and that He is working in every aspect of this situation.  I trust Him.  This story is kind of personal...but I am ready to share it!

So it was July 5, 2010.  My 27th birthday.  I had spent the day doing...I actually don't really remember what I had done that day...and it was night and I was in my room watching television and reading.  My mom walks into the room and says something along the lines of "Happy birthday again!  I'm so happy it's your birthday, I just love you so much.  I bet your other mom thought about you today too." then she just walked out.  What.  The.  Trash.  I was pissed.  I was like uhmm...hey lady you can't just walk in here and say that to me and then walk away.  I could not remember her ever saying that before (but she swears that she had).  So I told her I was mad.  In her mind she was just trying to be matter of fact.  She was saying that once you have a baby that is not something you forget so she assumes that my birth mom thinks of me on July 5th because she simply must remember having me on that day. 

So it's the next day and I am supposed to be getting ready for Bible school.  I decide that I am going to get on the computer and google my birth mom's name.  This is something I have done two or three times a year (usually around my birthday and Christmas at least) ever since I knew how google worked.  I never, ever find anything.  This time was no different.  I googled her name, found nothing, got angry at myself for looking and shut the computer off.  Well...my OCD kicked in and I couldn't google her (birth mom) without googling him (birth father).  So I get back on the computer and google his name.  I also have never found anything when googling his name except some old public record documents about my adoption.  The same papers I have on file at my house and have looked at since I could read.  Well this time it was different.  I saw it right away.  I guess it's true that when you see your name on a page your eyes are drawn to it.  A few websites down, there was a link to a site called adoption.com and it had my name in it.  My before I was adopted whole entire name.  My heart fluttered and I clicked on it.  After a few minutes of looking it became evident to me that my birth father had registered with this website and put in all this information about me saying he was looking for me and had been for awhile.  Wow.  So I did what any sane person would do I turned the computer off and went to church. 

After Bible school that night I talked to my mom and she said what I knew she would say (because PS my mom is mega super phenomenal).  She said "You have to register with the site.  I know you and if you don't you will always wonder."  So I thought about it all night and the next morning I woke up called my sister and talked to her the whole time I was registering for this website.  As soon as I put in my information it popped up with a screen saying that I matched the criteria of someone that was being searched for.  And it gave me his e-mail address.  So...I decided I hadn't come this far for nothing so I sent him an e-mail.  I think it said something like..."oh hey, this is kind of awkward for me but I think I am the person you are looking for.  I was born on July 5 in this hospital to these people and adopted in this county on this date, blah blah blah".  I immediately got a message back that said "I am so happy to find you I've been looking for so long...I live in Moberly, MO."  (For those of you who don't know, that is like 30 minutes from my hometown.)  What the trash.  My whole life he has been 30 minutes away and I had no idea. 

The next couple of days are kind of a blur.  We became friends on facebook.  He told me how much I looked like birth mom.  He said he would love to meet me in person but that he understood it was a lot of information and that I should take my time.  He told me he had contacted her to get her information for me because he wanted to be able to give it to me if I ever wanted it.  She (birth mom) made a facebook.  We became friends.  I started talking to her and him and their respective families.  Turns out I have siblings.  LOTS of them.  So now it gets crazy.  My sister and I were stalking him on Facebook and looking through all of his pictures.  Turns out his stepson was on my nephew's baseball team...no lie.  And I was supposed to go to his game that very next night.  So I messaged his wife and filled her in on how it was such a small world and she told me I should come and they wouldn't talk to me if I wasn't ready.  So I went.  And saw his face.  And my heart beat so fast.  And after the game he came and asked if he could talk to me.  And he told me I was beautiful.  And he told me I looked like her.  And he told me that people change in 27 years and he would like a chance to explain things.  And he hugged me.  And I said a whole lot of nothing.  Then I got in the car and I cried. 

Since then I have kept in contact with both him and her.  And on Thursday...as in like two days from now...I am going to meet her and her children.  Her children as in my brothers and sisters.  Whoa.  I am so dang nervous.  I wonder if they will like me.  I wonder if they will cry.  I wonder if I will cry.  I wonder if I really do look like anyone.  I wonder if my heart will beat so fast it flies out of my chest.  I wonder if my brothers will want to be my friends.  I wonder if I will feel like a stranger in their world.  I wonder if they will think I am strange.  I wonder if that will matter.  Gosh I have so many questions.  Most of all I am just excited.  I want them (her especially) to see that I am happy.  That my life is good.  That she didn't ruin anything by letting me be adopted.  That there is room in my life for LOTS of family.  That my heart is big enough to be full of love for everyone.  And I want to so passionately love Jesus Christ that they see it in me.  Gosh I'm nervous.

Oh and side note...through this whole thing my parents have been nothing but super GREAT!  My daddy knows that it doesn't change the way I think or feel about my family.  He is mellow like that.  He hasn't said much about it.  Actually I don't think he has said anything about it.  But when my mom talks to me about it he looks at me with that "Gosh I am proud of you and love you and hope you don't get hurt" look that he has.  My mom says "Tracy Leigh, we will be and do whatever you need us to be and do.".  And my heart feels so full of her love that it overflows from my eyes as tears.  Their love literally gives me life and makes me feel like I could do or be anything.  Tara doesn't say much either but she helps me with figuring stuff out when I need it.  Neal said he wonders if they could just keep me.  ;)  I know deep down he is excited for me and doesn't really want me to go away. 

I think maybe that God knew that I would need to be able to love a lot of people.  I think that is why He made me so emotional and so able to love freely.  I think my life will never be the same again after Thursday.  I think my life will never be the same again no matter what.  But my friends and my God and my family totally have my back.  I'm sure of it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I should have known better...

Ok, I should have known better than to start this blog so close to Christmas.  I knew I would get so easily distracted by all the chaos that I wouldn't be able to post as often as I would like, but I did it anyway.  So I apologize for the delay.  The dinner party I wrote about in my last entry went fantastic.  I met new people who were all super nice to me and we ate good food and then played the game Things-which I happen to rather enjoy!  The wife of the couple who hosted the party was super nice and also made me feel right at home because she was working on a craft when we got there.  She was painting shirts for something in her garage which made me super happy.  Also, I could look around her house and see all these super cute things that she had made and so I instantly felt comfortable in her home.  I could have lived forever without having to drive home in the crazy snowstorm that followed...but all in all it was a great night.

Christmas celebrations with my family were great!  (I was going to say fantastic, but I already said that about the dinner party!)  The Saturday before Christmas we had lunch with my mom's extended family (her cousins and aunts and uncles, etc...) who we only see once a year.  Then the next day we spend the afternoon shopping for my sister's birthday.  On Christmas Eve we went to my Aunt's house and on Christmas Day we went to my Grandma's house.  But the real celebration happened on Tuesday, the 21st of December.  That is the day that my mom and dad had my siblings and I (and their families of course) over for dinner and our own family Christmas.  My mom wanted us all there at the same time and wanted us to be able to take our time opening presents and enjoy being together.  My dad cooked prime rib and some other things.  It was the best day.  We were all there together and getting along and Neal hung out with us FOREVER without being in a hurry to leave or anything.  I loved it.  The next day my mom called all of us to tell us how happy she was about the night and we all kind of acted like she was silly for calling us to tell us how much she loved our dinner, but secretly I wanted to tell them all how much I loved it too. 

So now I have a week off school...but it is packed full of things to do.  Tomorrow I am hanging out with some camp friends.  Hopefully Tuesday I will get to see Philip and Leslie.  Wednesday I am hoping to have lunch with my friend David.  Wednesday night Alisa will get here.  Thursday I will meet my birth mom and her children...a whole other post on that coming soon! Friday is New Year's Eve and we have big plans!  I am hoping to help my friend Dana host a dinner party on Saturday.  On Sunday it will be church and cleaning and recovering...like always!  And back to school on Monday.  Crazy.  Busy.  Week.  Oh, and I have started making new lists.  I do love to make lists.  I am going to post them all in their own seperate posts so that I can find them easily and mark things off of them.  I am thinking I will include some things I have already done on there just so I have something to mark off and make me feel better.  ha! 

Ok, I am in my office at church and really should be working.  I have months of children's events to plan and a Sunday School class to teach.  Then home to clean.  And tomorrow starts the chaos again!  I love my life right now.  <3

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Getting Ready for Christmas

While I love this season I always feel like there are things I forget to do until the last minute.  I think I need to be like my mom and make lists about all the things I need to do for Christmas and pack the list away with my Christmas decorations so that when I get them out I will have the list and it will remind me of all I need to do.  That would not really have worked for me this year though since...brace yourself for this...I haven't put up any decorations.  I KNOW, RIGHT!!  So crazy since I have TONS and I really do love putting them up.  The past couple weeks have flown by in a rush leaving me wondering if I should even bother to put anything up at this point.  I am doing a lot to get ready though.  Just not decorating.

I love making things!  This year I made wrapping paper.  Ok, I didn't REALLY make wrapping paper per say...but I didn't buy wrapping paper.  So I have been saving all the brown paper that comes with things that I (or people I know) order.  I flattened it all out, added a few neutral colored snowflake stamps and used it as wrapping paper.  I had BUNCHES of great ribbon left over from when I made fancy bulletin boards for a college class so I used that to tie around the presents to add color and make them pretty.  I am so excited that I finally did this!  I also made a few Christmas cards, but because I can not make cards quickly yet, most of mine are store bought this year. 

I am also getting ready for Secret Santa at my work which is next week!  I have made a few things for my person and I am SO excited to be able to tell them that their gifts are from me.  I have to find a way to make myself wait until Friday!!  I do love Secret Santa...it's fun because it forces people to be creative and kind of sneaky.  After the week is over I might write about what gifts I gave.  Oh, and there is a cookie exchange at work this year too.  I have been looking through all of my Christmas cookbooks and magazines to find a fabulous cookie to take to that. 

Ok, so that is all of my randomness for now.  I must pull myself away from reading blogs and playing on Facebook so that I can be productive and get ready for the dinner party I am invited to tonight.  The dinner party where I will only know one other person.  Yeah...I'm nervous.  I usually think dinner parties are really fun and I love to think of fabulous things to take (or how to decorate if I am hosting) but today I am only nervous.  I am meeting new people and I hope they will like me.  I'll let you know how that turns out.  Hope your weekend is full of sparkle!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Oh, December!

I must admit, I am a December lover!  I was watching a movie a few nights ago and a guy says to a girl "Yeah, well you're an I love you slut!"  His point was that she said "I love you" all the time and to everyone.  I feel like that in December.  I love ornaments.  I love lights.  I love baking Christmas cookies.  I love giving presents.  (And let's be honest...I love getting presents too!)    I love school parties.  I love Christmas concerts.  I love Christmas movies.  I love snow.  I love warming up by drinking hot chocolate.  I just love it!  It is full of chaos-which I thrive on-and also full of sparkle-which I love!! 

Tonight is our school Christmas program.  My little monsters (my students) have been practicing and practicing and it's great!  I don't like silence in my classroom so the more singing the better!  They usually do it when they are working on things like cutting out shapes for our bulletin board and practicing their handwriting.  It's so festive!  We have also begun making decorations for our class Christmas tree.  As soon as I figure out how to upload pictures I will put a picture of our class tree.  It's beautiful! 

So all this preparation at school has made me want to get things ready at my house as well.  I think I may try and put up my tree tonight.  Depending on how exhausted I am after the program.  I have some different decorating ideas this year.  And I have some new pieces I can't wait to put on display in my cute tiny apartment.  I do not have many presents to wrap this year because I am trying to be thrifty and make presents or do things for people instead of getting them something.  More on that later!  Since I live in apartment there is very little I can do to the outside of my abode to make it more festive.  Anyone have any ideas on what to do about that?  (And by anyone I mean the total of two people who read this so far since I haven't told anyone else about it. Ha!)

Oh how I do love December.  It makes me miss days of making snow ice cream with my brother.  It makes me long for quiet peaceful moments of pure bliss.  It makes me believe that there is still good in the world and that I am not fighting for nothing!