Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Crazy Amazing Story

Ok...so I have decided I am ready to post about my crazy amazing story.  The thing is this story is still growing and changing.  This part is just the beginning of this story.  I want to be able to print this out and seal it in an envelope and look at it when I'm like 80 so I can remember how amazing it is.  I know that God answers prayers and that He is working in every aspect of this situation.  I trust Him.  This story is kind of personal...but I am ready to share it!

So it was July 5, 2010.  My 27th birthday.  I had spent the day doing...I actually don't really remember what I had done that day...and it was night and I was in my room watching television and reading.  My mom walks into the room and says something along the lines of "Happy birthday again!  I'm so happy it's your birthday, I just love you so much.  I bet your other mom thought about you today too." then she just walked out.  What.  The.  Trash.  I was pissed.  I was like uhmm...hey lady you can't just walk in here and say that to me and then walk away.  I could not remember her ever saying that before (but she swears that she had).  So I told her I was mad.  In her mind she was just trying to be matter of fact.  She was saying that once you have a baby that is not something you forget so she assumes that my birth mom thinks of me on July 5th because she simply must remember having me on that day. 

So it's the next day and I am supposed to be getting ready for Bible school.  I decide that I am going to get on the computer and google my birth mom's name.  This is something I have done two or three times a year (usually around my birthday and Christmas at least) ever since I knew how google worked.  I never, ever find anything.  This time was no different.  I googled her name, found nothing, got angry at myself for looking and shut the computer off.  Well...my OCD kicked in and I couldn't google her (birth mom) without googling him (birth father).  So I get back on the computer and google his name.  I also have never found anything when googling his name except some old public record documents about my adoption.  The same papers I have on file at my house and have looked at since I could read.  Well this time it was different.  I saw it right away.  I guess it's true that when you see your name on a page your eyes are drawn to it.  A few websites down, there was a link to a site called adoption.com and it had my name in it.  My before I was adopted whole entire name.  My heart fluttered and I clicked on it.  After a few minutes of looking it became evident to me that my birth father had registered with this website and put in all this information about me saying he was looking for me and had been for awhile.  Wow.  So I did what any sane person would do I turned the computer off and went to church. 

After Bible school that night I talked to my mom and she said what I knew she would say (because PS my mom is mega super phenomenal).  She said "You have to register with the site.  I know you and if you don't you will always wonder."  So I thought about it all night and the next morning I woke up called my sister and talked to her the whole time I was registering for this website.  As soon as I put in my information it popped up with a screen saying that I matched the criteria of someone that was being searched for.  And it gave me his e-mail address.  So...I decided I hadn't come this far for nothing so I sent him an e-mail.  I think it said something like..."oh hey, this is kind of awkward for me but I think I am the person you are looking for.  I was born on July 5 in this hospital to these people and adopted in this county on this date, blah blah blah".  I immediately got a message back that said "I am so happy to find you I've been looking for so long...I live in Moberly, MO."  (For those of you who don't know, that is like 30 minutes from my hometown.)  What the trash.  My whole life he has been 30 minutes away and I had no idea. 

The next couple of days are kind of a blur.  We became friends on facebook.  He told me how much I looked like birth mom.  He said he would love to meet me in person but that he understood it was a lot of information and that I should take my time.  He told me he had contacted her to get her information for me because he wanted to be able to give it to me if I ever wanted it.  She (birth mom) made a facebook.  We became friends.  I started talking to her and him and their respective families.  Turns out I have siblings.  LOTS of them.  So now it gets crazy.  My sister and I were stalking him on Facebook and looking through all of his pictures.  Turns out his stepson was on my nephew's baseball team...no lie.  And I was supposed to go to his game that very next night.  So I messaged his wife and filled her in on how it was such a small world and she told me I should come and they wouldn't talk to me if I wasn't ready.  So I went.  And saw his face.  And my heart beat so fast.  And after the game he came and asked if he could talk to me.  And he told me I was beautiful.  And he told me I looked like her.  And he told me that people change in 27 years and he would like a chance to explain things.  And he hugged me.  And I said a whole lot of nothing.  Then I got in the car and I cried. 

Since then I have kept in contact with both him and her.  And on Thursday...as in like two days from now...I am going to meet her and her children.  Her children as in my brothers and sisters.  Whoa.  I am so dang nervous.  I wonder if they will like me.  I wonder if they will cry.  I wonder if I will cry.  I wonder if I really do look like anyone.  I wonder if my heart will beat so fast it flies out of my chest.  I wonder if my brothers will want to be my friends.  I wonder if I will feel like a stranger in their world.  I wonder if they will think I am strange.  I wonder if that will matter.  Gosh I have so many questions.  Most of all I am just excited.  I want them (her especially) to see that I am happy.  That my life is good.  That she didn't ruin anything by letting me be adopted.  That there is room in my life for LOTS of family.  That my heart is big enough to be full of love for everyone.  And I want to so passionately love Jesus Christ that they see it in me.  Gosh I'm nervous.

Oh and side note...through this whole thing my parents have been nothing but super GREAT!  My daddy knows that it doesn't change the way I think or feel about my family.  He is mellow like that.  He hasn't said much about it.  Actually I don't think he has said anything about it.  But when my mom talks to me about it he looks at me with that "Gosh I am proud of you and love you and hope you don't get hurt" look that he has.  My mom says "Tracy Leigh, we will be and do whatever you need us to be and do.".  And my heart feels so full of her love that it overflows from my eyes as tears.  Their love literally gives me life and makes me feel like I could do or be anything.  Tara doesn't say much either but she helps me with figuring stuff out when I need it.  Neal said he wonders if they could just keep me.  ;)  I know deep down he is excited for me and doesn't really want me to go away. 

I think maybe that God knew that I would need to be able to love a lot of people.  I think that is why He made me so emotional and so able to love freely.  I think my life will never be the same again after Thursday.  I think my life will never be the same again no matter what.  But my friends and my God and my family totally have my back.  I'm sure of it.

5 comments:

  1. OMG TRACY LEIGH! You've made ME cry now! I hope everything goes great for you! I know you have lots of love and you do have a lot of family, look at all the special sisters you have already too!

    Love You Sister!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ok ok. I know I'm pregnant bit I'm crying a bit too! so glad you shared this!!
    Erin Lou

    ReplyDelete
  3. Miss Tracy Leigh, you made me cry. My brother came downstairs and said, "What's wrong?" "Oh, nothing, just very happy for a friend." And I am so super excited for the possibilities of it all and how could they not love you? C'est impossible!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tracy - Love ya girl, thanks for sharing your story. This is awesome, I will be praying for your 'divine appointment' on Thursday. You're an amazing woman, I'm proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. YOU ARE AMAZING AND MY ROLE MODEL! I'll be thinking about you thursday. Dont worry I know they'll love you...i mean how could you not? Oh and yea, you did make me cry!!

    ReplyDelete